Proud to be a Soldier . . . Finally
Posted by Emily in 
Photo via www.herloveglows.com
By Rebekah Havrilla
Rebekah is an Army veteran and serves as SWAN’s National Peer Support Helpline Caseworker. She loves the ocean and finds being near the water extremely comforting. She is also a huge lover of dogs.
A couple of weeks ago, I attended a symposium hosted by the New York State Health Foundation that was focused on how communities can better mobilize to meet the needs of returning veterans. I considered this to be a great opportunity to network and learn about some of the systems in place here in New York that I may be able to tap into in the future. The opening and keynote addresses were given by Colonel David Sutherland. Colonel Sutherland is the Special Assistant to the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff – Warrior and Family Support division, a really long title that basically means he’s in charge of helping find ways to ease the transition back to civilian and garrison life for soldiers and their families. Since I left the Army and even while I was on active duty, I was never much impressed by the majority of speeches that I’ve heard given by the upper brass, and I expected this speech to be no exception.
The speech started with the typical pomp and circumstance, most of which I filter out to the tune of “blah, blah, blah.” Once he started the meat and bones of his speech, though, I was surprised by how intently I was listening to him and the stories he was telling. I’ve heard a lot of war stories and I’ve had friends hurt and killed in action. When bad things happen to people, I usually just shrug my shoulders or shake my head, comment on how much life sucks, and move on to the next topic of conversation. The military life that I was in did not allow for long periods of mourning and grieving. There was a mission to complete and you had to suck it up and move on. Thinking too much could have disastrous consequences on your psyche. I’ve always been able to compartmentalize my emotions relatively well, so getting any type of emotional reaction from me is unusual. That’s why I was so surprised when I felt myself being moved by the stories Colonel Sutherland was telling. The way he told his story and the story of those who have served their country and come back looking the same but inherently changed, those who came back physically scarred and those who didn’t come back at all put everything I had gone through in a completely different context. Instead of combining my personal traumatic experiences with my combat experiences as I usually do, I was actually able to separate my actions from the actions from others. I was able to see my service in a completely different light and for the first time I felt PROUD of what I had accomplished in the Army, of what I had achieved as a woman in the face of so much adversity.
I’ve always considered myself a veteran and heaven help anyone who tries to tell me otherwise. However, I’ve never held my service in high esteem due to the fact that I felt betrayed by the institution I had been willing to die for and that the people who were supposed to be my allies were the ones who caused me the most harm. For some reason, listening to this Colonel talk about the service and the sacrifice that all veterans make in some way, even though the people around us may never understand what we went through, made me pause, made me think, and made me almost bite my tongue off so I didn’t cry in the middle of his speech. I was fundamentally shaken in a way that I haven’t been since I got off active duty. There is still hope for me to reconcile my hurt and my anger with the feelings of accomplishment and pride that surface when I take an honest look at what I’ve done in the service of my country. So thank you, Colonel Sutherland, for somehow bringing out those emotions in me. They have been long overdue.
