Conflicting Emotions
Posted by Katy in 
Congresswoman Speier read part of my story in a session of Congress last week. This was her ninth speech to Congress detailing personal stories of rape, sexual assault and the failure of the Department of Defense to properly address these issues. Congresswoman Speier has put herself in the position to represent hundreds of women and men and has vowed to continue her speeches until Congress has taken suitable steps to fix a broken system. She has a dedicated email where people can send her their stories (stopmilitaryrape@mail.house.gov) and is actively involved in legislation that provides redress for these issues. Many of us will forever be grateful for her stand and the position she has taken in fighting for service members and veterans.
When I found out the next day that Congresswoman Speier had read my story, I honestly was not happy about it. In fact, I was very upset. My reaction to the Congresswoman’s speech was contradictory to what I had previously considered a positive event and bothered me since I am appreciative and grateful for the stand she has taken on a public level. It took me a couple hours of soul searching to try and figure out why. As a survivor, I have become much more vocal about my experiences and my story over the past 12-18 months. I’ve considered it a progression of my journey and healing to educate the public and help others who have been through the same. I chose to be a part of an impact suit against Donald Rumsfeld and Bill Gates and have spoken to many members of the media who have told parts of my story. So why was I so triggered by this event?
Trauma reactions can take many different forms. One of the factors that can make something traumatic – whether you’re in the middle of a natural disaster, watching a horrific event or being assaulted – is the loss of control. Part of healing is processing this loss of control and learning how to regain control over parts and pieces of your life and the completely normal reactions that come with traumatic events. Up until the point where Congresswoman Speier told my story, I had controlled when I told my story, to whom I told my story, and under what circumstances. Having someone else tell my story for me without my knowledge was extremely triggering and I felt very exposed and vulnerable which are not sensations I’m fond of. Once I figured out why I felt so re-traumatized, I was able to process those emotions and take the contradictory feelings I had about the situation and put everything back into a context that I could be comfortable with. I regained my control.
Trauma is complex, as are the emotions that accompany the after affects. Sometimes figuring out what’s going on in our heads requires a lot of thought, energy and assistance but it’s important to try and work through these issues the best that we can. I talk and write about these experiences in order to help myself process my trauma and emotions and hopefully to help others navigate their own journeys. We should not have to travel alone. And thank you, Representative Speier, for continuing to stand up for survivors. We need many more like you.
Thank you for sharing this and for speaking out on this sensitive subject. Many times I have wanted to scream from the rooftops and share my experiences, fears, depressions, and horrors with the world so that maybe this will finally stop. But as the years have passed I find that women today are still being assaulted, raped, and sexually molested and nothing is done to prevent or remedy the situation. The only difference between what happened to me in 1974, is that today many women are being killed. I hope that you and others can make a difference and that there will be a day when ALL women in the military can be proud of her service and not have this situation interfere with that. I am proud of my service but there is still a little voice in the back of my mind that says but………
Thanks for this. As a female veteran it excites me to read about other females who i can relate with.