I Am Dealing With It Still – by Ted Skovranek II
Posted by Katy in 
Loyalty, duty, respect, selfless service, honor, integrity, personal courage. Those are the Army’s seven core values that I attempted to show by going forward and telling my chain of command that I had been sexually assaulted the night before. What followed added insult to injury. I was told they would handle it and get me the help that I would need. That was in 2003, while I was in AIT. I was in a long training program; the shortest time there would be around 24 weeks. The assault took place during the middle, so I had a long time to spend waiting for the drill sergeants to act on their word. I was never told that I needed to file a formal complaint, or even allowed to talk to someone about the emotions that I was going through. I made it out of AIT and hoped that I could put everything behind me and move on. I realized that nothing was going to happen while I was there.
While at my duty station, we had an E/O meeting. There I told my chain of command again what happened, hoping that this time I would get some help. Once again I was assured that they would see to it that I got the help I would need. It never came; I was only told that I needed to get my head out of my ass and be a real soldier. During this time I had tried to quit drinking, but had nightmares. It affected my ability to work. I chose to start back up drinking. This really only led me on to further problems. Once I sought help for the drinking, I had no choice but to open up about the assault as it was contributing to my desire to drink and avoid any thoughts or recollection of the events. Eventually I was hospitalized for suicidal ideation. When I asked to speak to someone in JAG or CID and tell them what had happened, I was told that was not possible, as I was not at my duty station but at another army base, and had to wait until I got back to my duty station to talk to someone. I was separated from the Army a few weeks later. I had hoped that I would be able to walk away from it, not letting it affect me and move on with my life.
It has been just over 8 years since it happened. I can tell you that I was never able to move past it. There are daily reminders that bring up the feelings associated with it. I am learning through therapy how to deal with the issues, and move past the trauma.
As a man, I have different emotions and realities that I have to deal with, being that traditionally the man is the protector of the family. If I didn’t protect myself, how could I ever protect someone else? That is an impossible question to answer yet it plagues me. I had no choice in the assault, I was lying in a bed passed out from alcohol, yet it still is troubling. There is a sense that my own masculinity was compromised. Now how do I go about redefining something that I had never truly defined in the first place? It was just there, but now I know that there is something missing. Explaining what was lost is nearly impossible, but it is one of the things that I must overcome. I am sure there are similarities between the sexes, like the anger, depression, and betrayal, but for the most part those seem past me, except the betrayal. It’s learning to live and forgive, not just my attackers, but myself, and to trust again – those are my difficulties.
Dearest Ted – I am a retired VA social worker and a survivor of trauma (childhood rape, beatings, etc). I know the incredible courage it took for you to speak up and to now share your story. There are many wonderful treatment modalities available to help you heal among them yoga. Ana Forrest has been supporting a program called “Exalted Warriors” and there are many Forrest yoga teachers who are working with our wounded warriors. I have found yoga to be a powerful healing tool in my journey along with KMI Body Work which works to release the bound memories in the body’s tissues. If you would like referrals to resources in your area, I would be delighted to find them. My email is maryamcmanus@gmail.com. I hope that you are receiving all of your benefits from the VA. I’ve been retired for five years now but I do recall that when I worked as a primary care social worker we had a screen for MST and had to make referrals not only to mental health but for service connection. Sending you many blessings for healing – and I can tell you – healing happens a little at a time.
Ted, your writing is beautiful. Thanks for your courage in putting words to everything that happened to you. You are helping more men and women than you will ever know. Please know you have a larger community to support and listen whenever you need a compassionate ear or voice.
thank you for your words of encouragement, and to SWAN for allowing me the chance to share my story. in the past month it has been a real growing time for me. the first few days after i had this posted i really didnt want to face any reactions toward it. there is this strange sense where you focus so much of your courage to share, then there is this release, then its nothingness. your anxieties, insecurities, and the reality that you have no control over the reactions to you. at first i was filled with regrets, but slowly the balance came back to life.
i no longer question my own masculinity, i stood for what i believed in, i handled it in ways that i could live with, while others may say they would have handled it differently, until they stand there dealing with the things i had to deal with, there is really no way of knowing how they would have responded. so many times in life people want to puff themselves up and act like they could and would do things this way or that way, but when time comes for you to do something, something that you never prepared yourself for, never imagined that you would go through, only then can you understand how people react.