The Journey Home – Regina Vasquez, USMC Veteran
Posted by Katy in 
Eleven years ago something terrible happened to me. Since then, it has been hard to trust people
. I’ve been let down by so many, but nothing can compare to what took place one night and in the course of the years to follow.
I am a disabled veteran with PTSD due to rape, sexual harassment and gender discrimination. It took me years to finally come out and talk about what happened to me. It shocked people, made them angry and allowed them to finally understand why I act the way I do. It is hard to face people you have grown to keep at an arm’s distance.
The odd ball, the one people don’t understand, “she is crazy, “ “oh her” – that was me. I was bitter, angry and always on the defensive because I felt I had to prove myself time and time again. My mind was full of information, but I couldn’t sit down and carry out a positive conversation. I didn’t know how. I felt like I scared people off.
Going to school was a constant battle – making myself get ready for class, having to face myself in the mirror and say I’ll be the best one out there and understand what I need to learn. I made myself out to be superwoman when in reality I’m just me – a wife and mother. Bottom line, I was running from a past I wanted to forget. I tried to stay busy so I didn’t have to confront dark secrets.
Forgetting is not easy. You have flashbacks and triggers. You find yourself full of sadness and depression. You’re plagued with nightmares and are forced to stay up because the pain of sleeping only to wake up in a cold sweat scares you. If only those damn memories could go away. When you’re in the public eye you are looked at as a crazy person, not as a veteran who needs help and needs to be comforted. Women are not seen as veterans – men are. Welcome to my world.
The VA is one heck of a scary place to be. At one point I had a cocktail of pills without being assessed. I’m just a number, a person to process; I won’t know the difference… yeah right. I’m still scared to go to the VA, but if I don’t how am I ever going to address my depression?
The VA is a constant battleground. No one hears me when I scream that I need help. Finally a glimpse of hope; a patient advocate comes to pick me up so I can see a psychiatrist. He helps me. I’m not a number anymore. I’m human who has feelings, and he sees that in me. He helps me by assessing my needs and acknowledging me. I thank him. Through working with him, I am now taking the right antidepressants.
Still, I’m at battle with my counselor at the VA. I don’t have missing limbs and TBI – my disabilities are invisible so I’m not a true warrior. If she only knew we lose the majority of our veterans every day because they commit suicide, she wouldn’t compare me to others. What a rock she is – a civilian who just doesn’t get it. I keep reminding myself I’ll keep going until someone hears me again. I turned her in to her supervisor. I am finally standing up for myself, even as I am begging for help.
I need to enjoy being me before my family can enjoy having me. I need help – my depression and my dark secrets have kept me from living a happy life. This is now my journey home.
the scars from being raped and sexually assaulted are tbi, they are not an illness, not a disease, they are a brain injury that can be healed. you need to find a therapist that can help you, if your not getting along with one, ask to speak to someone else. it is your right, it is your life, you need to have those around you that will be supportive and have your healing in mind. the va is a tricky place, most of the time they wont come out and tell you your rights, they want you to just accept the things and the people they give you. i have gone through more than my fair share of therapists, trying to get to someone that i was comfortable with. those of us with sexual trauma have to deal with those that are “there to help” own issues as well as our own, its not always the easiest of places to be.